Good start for a STORY

Good start for a STORY????
It's gonna be REALLY long, but this is just the small puny 1 1/2 page start. The large, white Delta plane soared in the sky. Obeying the pilots’ hands, it turned slowly to begin facing the final destination. Eyes closed on the plane as it sluggishly approached the landing spot. BOOM! The plane’s tiny wheels hit the cement ground. It zoomed down the slab of concrete. Men in bright yellow-green suits directed the plane with vivid, orange cones. By then, the plane ran slow as it approached the terminal. “You may now unfasten your seatbelts,” the young stewardess sounded on the speakers. “Thank God!” exclaimed 15 year old Jen Forman. She unfastened her plain, gray seatbelt and grabbed her black backpack. “I feel sick.” “Don’t worry, you’ll feel better,” her dad, Dallas, soothed. “You’re not the only one…” Seth, her 17 year old brother, trailed off. He leaned over and put one of his hands over his stomach. “Here,” Dallas said as he grabbed a Tums pack from his navy blue backpack. “Take two of ‘em.” Seth nodded, stuck two pale red tablets in his mouth, and began chewing them. He handed the Tums pack to Jen. “Thanks,” she said. She did the same and handed the pack back to Dallas. He shoved them back in his bag. “Please check to make sure that you’ve grabbed all of your personal belongings,” the speakers sounded again. It added, “Thank you for flying with Delta.” “You kids got everything?” questioned Dallas. “Yep,” answered Seth as Jen nodded. Jen, followed by Seth and then Dallas, began to join the line of people in the center aisle. “This sucks, we’re already here,” stated Jen. “Please lets not get in this again, Jen,” said Dallas, “the plane flight was decent and we arrived on time, lets not ruin the whole day.” Jen used to live in Lexington, Kentucky. Jen, her dad, and her brother were flying from Kentucky to Orlando, Florida to live. Her dad had sold their big ranch up in Kentucky, and in place, bought an average house in Sanford, Florida. The move was decided when Jen’s mom, Donna, passed away. It was a tragic horseback riding accident. Jen and her mom were riding on one of the ranch’s trails. It was called, “Red Horse Trail”. A rabbit sprinting away from a red fox had ran in front of Donna’s gelding, Blackie. Blackie spooked, reared up, and took off at a gallop. Donna was hanging on by the reigns and she had lost one of her stirrups. Her other foot was caught in the opposite stirrup. Blackie ran for miles and miles with Donna barely hanging on. Jen had kicked her horse, Ace, into a sprint right after her mother. But Ace couldn’t catch up to Blackie quick enough. When Ace was on Blackie’s tail, Donna’s ankle snapped and she fell off in front of Blackie. Blackie attempted to leap over Donna, but his right foreleg slipped in the mud and he landed right on Donna. Blackie’s leg had broken and he had to be put down, and Donna died later that night in the hospital. Dallas had been so emotionally affected by what had happened, that he couldn’t take living on the ranch anymore. That’s when he decided to move the family down to Orland, Florida. Jen was angry at her father for doing this, she loved the ranch. Now, she had started to get over it, but it still bothered her greatly. Seth had kept quiet during the whole situation, but deep down, it also bothered him. And Dallas never really stated his feelings, but Jen knew that he was hurting. sorry that the paragraphs aren't that visible.... but THANK YOU!!!!!!!
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1 :
Keep writing and don't look back (seriously) until you are finished...then begin you're rewrite that is when you sort out what works and doesn't work. After the rewrite comes your edit. If you stop the flow you will never finish the story. My husband wrote every morning for two months and finished his first book, he put it all down and then worried about tweaking it. It is not so different from a painting..the more you fuss with it the muddier the colors get..... Keep going it is a good start.......
2 :
I'm going to give you an honest, constructive critique. If you're a true writer who wishes to improve, you'll take what you need and discard the rest First of all, you use a lot of descriptives. Why does the reader need to know (or care) that the plane is white, the seat belt is gray or her backpack is black? If it's not important to the plot or the character's motivation, lose it. You've got some passive phrasing. For instance: "The move was decided when Jen’s mom, Donna, passed away." Very passive. Decided by whom? Attribute action. Next, you've GOT to start the story with a hook. You'll put your audience to sleep starting the book with a plane landing. Instead, focus on your primary character(s). Begin with Jen's stomach clenching as the plane begins to land. She's nervous, being on a plane, starting a new life in a new state. There's your hook, your conflict, your story.
3 :
A little cleaning, a lot more work. My recommendations: (1) Keep at it and quit asking for anyone’s opinion until you're done. It is as you say "the start" and right now it’s more important for you to keep the end in mind rather than have somebody slug you down at the start, the middle, or even the end. Right now none of our opinions mean tinker! (2) Watch the movie “Forrester” and you’ll get some great ideas, the most important of which is “Keep WRITING”, and the rest will come. You know the kind, when writing is not forced, but flows. The kind when you’re in the “Zone”. If you don’t know what the zone is, keep at it until it comes. Now end your quest, and start writing.
4 :
I would say that the idea is a great one, so far. But if I may make a few suggestions: When introducing the characters, try not to introduce them during dialogue. It makes everything very "jerky". The story doesn't flow as well, otherwise. Also, if you're going to have someone speak another character's name, try to leave the name out after they themself speak. For example: “This sucks, we’re already here,” stated Jen. “Please lets not get in this again, Jen,” said Dallas, “the plane flight was decent and we arrived on time, lets not ruin the whole day.” In this particular piece, 'stated Jen' could be eliminated, because we're aware of who's speaking after Dallas says, "Please let's not get in this again, Jen." Does that make sense? My partner calls me an adjective queen. Why? Because I describe EVERYTHING. It's a big thing for me to make sure I keep the adjectives in line and I think you may have the same problem in places. In the meantime, don't ask for the world's opinion until you're through. It's a sure fire way to discourage yourself right out of the story :) However, I am interested in the story, so you're doing a good job thusfar. If you would, when its finished, let me know? I'd like to read it.