Sunday, June 7, 2009


Ok, later this will be a story... a long 100 somethign page story. But here's the first two pages... what do you think so far? Is the detail good and stuff? (i'm 14 years old) The large, white Delta plane soared in the sky. Obeying the pilots’ hands, it turned slowly to begin facing the final destination. Eyes closed on the plane as it sluggishly approached the landing spot. BOOM! The plane’s tiny wheels hit the cement ground. It zoomed down the slab of concrete. Men in bright yellow-green suits directed the plane with vivid, orange cones. By then, the plane ran slow as it approached the terminal. “You may now unfasten your seatbelts,” the young stewardess sounded on the speakers. “Thank God!” exclaimed 15 year old Jen Forman. She unfastened her plain, gray seatbelt and grabbed her black backpack. “I feel sick.” “Don’t worry, you’ll feel better,” her dad, Dallas, soothed. “You’re not the only one…” Seth, her 17 year old brother, trailed off. He leaned over and put one of his hands over his stomach. “Here,” Dallas said as he grabbed a Tums pack from his navy blue backpack. “Take two of ‘em.” Seth nodded, stuck two pale red tablets in his mouth, and began chewing them. He handed the Tums pack to Jen. “Thanks,” she said. She did the same and handed the pack back to Dallas. He shoved them back in his bag. “Please check to make sure that you’ve grabbed all of your personal belongings,” the speakers sounded again. It added, “Thank you for flying with Delta.” “You kids got everything?” questioned Dallas. “Yep,” answered Seth as Jen nodded. Jen, followed by Seth and then Dallas, began to join the line of people in the center aisle. “This sucks, we’re already here.” “Please lets not get in this again, Jen,” said Dallas, “the plane flight was decent and we arrived on time, lets not ruin the whole day.” Jen used to live in Lexington, Kentucky. Jen, her dad, and her brother were flying from Kentucky to Orlando, Florida to live. Her dad had sold their big ranch up in Kentucky, and in place, bought an average house in Sanford, Florida. The move was decided when Jen’s mom, Donna, passed away. It was a tragic horseback riding accident. Jen and her mom were riding on one of the ranch’s trails. It was called, “Red Horse Trail”. A rabbit sprinting away from a red fox had ran in front of Donna’s gelding, Blackie. Blackie spooked, reared up, and took off at a gallop. Donna was hanging on by the reigns and she had lost one of her stirrups. Her other foot was caught in the opposite stirrup. Blackie ran for miles and miles with Donna barely hanging on. Jen had kicked her horse, Ace, into a sprint right after her mother. But Ace couldn’t catch up to Blackie quick enough. When Ace was on Blackie’s tail, Donna’s ankle snapped and she fell off in front of Blackie. Blackie attempted to leap over Donna, but his right foreleg slipped in the mud and he landed right on Donna. Blackie’s leg had broken and he had to be put down, and Donna died later that night in the hospital. Dallas had been so emotionally affected by what had happened, that he couldn’t take living on the ranch anymore. That’s when he decided to move the family down to Orland, Florida. Jen was angry at her father for doing this, she loved the ranch. Now, she had started to get over it, but it still bothered her greatly. Seth had kept quiet during the whole situation, but deep down, it also bothered him. And Dallas never really stated his feelings, but Jen knew that he was hurting as well. “Fine,” replied Jen as she crossed her arms. The line of anxious people moved quickly. As Jen and the rest approached the exit, the blonde-headed stewardess waved goodbye. “Welcome to Orlando, Florida. Please enjoy your stay!” “Thanks,” Jen said as she continued on moving. Seth and Dallas were still following closely behind her. They walked in silence as Dallas looked for the sign to direct them to the terminal tram. “This way,” he said. Now, Jen and Seth were following him. I wonder if there’s any ranches in Sanford…maybe I could be a stable hand and help out, Jen’s thoughts began to wonder. “Hurry up, Jen!” urged Seth as he slightly tugged her arm. The terminal train was about to depart. They began to jog, and then jogging turned into sprinting. Jen’s backpack swerved from side to side, making her run funny. The doors were about slide shut, but all three of them jumped on just in time. “Phew! We made it,” stated Dallas. The terminal train’s speaker came on, “Please hold on to the hand rails…” It went on about where it was headed and was very repetitive about holding onto the hand rails. Barely anyone held on even then. The tram departed and quickly gained speed. “So,” began Dallas, “first things first; we have to go pick up our luggage. Then we’ll go over and rent a car, and last we can head on out of here.” “Sounds good,” replied Seth as he grabbed on one of the dark gray hand rails. The tram’s speakers sounded again, “We have now reached our destination. Please wait until the tram comes to a full and complete stop. And please watch your step. Enjoy your stay in Orlando, Florida!” Everyone slowly flooded out of the tram. Now, the large hall was fairly congested. Dallas looked up at the signs, “This way!” he pointed. Jen and Seth followed him. They passed through the crowd and looked for an elevator. Jen scanned the area, “There!” she pointed to an elevator. Her dad nodded and all three of them headed to the elevator. “Alright, lets go kids,” Dallas said as he pushed the button. The elevator dropped down to the floor where the luggage was held. They climbed out of the elevator and headed to the correct luggage claim station. “Help me look for the bags,” Dallas ordered. “Okay,” answered Jen and Seth in unison. One by one, Jen’s eyes scanned the luggage. There was a leopard print bag, a rather large red one, and an oddly colored yellow bag. “Over there,” said Seth. Dallas and Seth tugged three big black bags off of the luggage line. They checked the names, and it was in fact their bags. Jen took the black, medium-sized roller bag. Dallas took the large, gray bag, and Seth took the large, forest green bag. They were all heavy. “Now, where’s the car rental place?” questioned Seth. sorry that the paragraphs aren't real visable... oh sorry, in the last paragraph when it says, "dallas and seth tugged the three black bags" (or something close to that) it SHOULD NOT say, "black" sorry
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This is a nice piece of writing for your age. I don't understand this part though: Quote: Eyes closed on the plane as it sluggishly approached the landing spot. Unquote Whose eyes closed? Certainly not the planes, they don't have eyes. The people watching it? Perhaps this way: Eyes closed in on the plane... etc... Get someone to read this for you and ask them to be honest with you. Paying you lip service because they're afraid to hurt your feelings is not doing your writing any favors. One thing I would do prior to showing it to anyone. The only other thing I see is that there is a bit of a lull in your story. The plane, getting the bags, getting off, etc... A bit too much of this and not enough of what the story is actually about. You see, when you send your story to be looked at by an agent, editor or publisher, they are going to want to see probably the first three chapters. If there is nothing going on and it doesn't hit them a certain way, then you get rejected. Try to add something else that would want the readers to keep turning the pages. Nice job. Consider this an honest opinion from a published author. I wish you well.

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